tschak!

21 AND SOBER, WHO SAW THAT ONE COMIN?

HALP!

i just found out that i don't have enough money to finish college. that means i need as much financial aid as i can get, but what kind of financial aid exists and how do i get it? any recommendations/experiences worth sharing? i want to get as far as possible with this degree!

i'm so relieved that i finished both books, am halfway through hsac notes review and got 75% of my christmas shopping done. yes!! now to the bank to get those checks in and mail out the other one. okay. breathe. i'm having a hard time sleeping because i tried to pass out before clearing m y conscious. i already prayed but that's not enough.

gratitude list:

sydney taylor tigert toosox tweety snickers peanut jesse
having a roof over my head, my car, 40% discount, affording the gifts, lays potato chips, doing only so much in a day, wokring with izetta kim and meaghan, meghan and cynthia legit wanting to sober hang out, admitting my myself that i might not be able to handle that, izetta miraculously offering to potentially keep me on board for four huors a week wtf, talking top josie, josie, physical therapy, doing the work, lord of the rings, amy calling me back, amy being in the rooms, my mom and ian being honest with me, my mom and ian trusting me weith that information, mac n cheese, the tripodis, having so much to do, having a life, living, being alive, work pins, gas being so cheap!!, taking 13 bucks to half fill my tank omg, reaching out to the newcomers, food, my mom getting me gloves, fellowship, service, being in the middle of the triangle, balance, untiy, josie asking me what i did for my recovery today and me being able to honestly answer her, sleep when i tcomes, god, the sreenitty prayer, karen b for sharing lengthily today, my home group, margueritte bringing in donuts, turing in my papers ON TIME, high class problems, alli, food again, the grilled cheese i might make myself

i'm not going to class in the city today and it feels very uncomfortable not going even though i have a cold

Writing Seminar II: Coming Home
TR 11A-1215P

Anthropology of Language
MW 930A-1045P

Ancient Egyptian Art
MW 2P-315P

Indo-European Syntax
MW 11A-1215P

OR Independent Study: The Art of Calligraphy

yesssssss

hey remind me to write when i get back later tonight, head

my lymph node is back to an almost-normal size. if my boy calls or contacts me, i can't do it back because when i have been, i've also been completely disconnected from my program. no brainwash, just literally, i don't give a shit about recovery when sex might get involved. over the past two weeks i've felt those longings coming back... romanticised in my head. euphoric recall which is not a reality. but it's all okay because tomorrow after work i'm going to my AA area's convention and i'm really really excited !!!!!! then sunday means new seasons of desperate housewives and californication back-to-back so i have more to be excited about. and i just read all my memories posts on this journal and laughed really hard so that helped.

and i have 5 months in a little over a week and that is also very very exciting.

dear jesse ,
i'm sorry i just locked you upstairs and yelled at you very very loudly, but your puppy crazies before bedtime were dirinvg me insane and i have work in a few hours. i will retreive you in the morning, i'm sure you'll be okay for a few hours up there, i'm sorry i'm being really mean and i still love you. also, i feel bad because sydney and taylor are in the house too, finally, and you refuse to pee outside because the grass is wet, so, once again, i locked you in my mom's bathroom where you can pee and poop all you want. there's also food and water and tpys up there, so please, please, please be quiet and let me nap before work. i love you pups.
love always,
crystal

i have my first speaking commitment tomorrow which i already have butterflies over. i'm home alone which isn't as scary as it used to be. i start classes tueaday which i am SO EXCITED for. where the hell have i been these past twenty years (minus the almost four months i have!)

my brother taught me how to skimboard today at the beach and it was SO MUCH FUN. i think i wiped out as many times as i stayed on and rode a wave in but it was amasing and i can't wait to do it again tomorrow! i would totally have kept going if my knees weren't burning so badly from getting dragged into waves. it's awesome that i can do something like that with my fucked up ankle since i can't do a lot else because of it.

my mom got served with papers today stating that my dad is suing her for one million dollars, for "publicly defacing his character," aka, calling him an alcoholic, which by the way, is very very true.

dear friend,

i know i am a flake and i'm sorry. using people for their use-value to me, namely when i need it, is a long-time character defect i've got tow ork on, and i haven't gotten there yet, not to say it doesn't need to be addressed because it obviously affects those i love and care about.. i wish i didn't make it that way but living far and my complete and utter lack of time to do anything besides recovery, school, and work contains me to only the immediate, selfish as that is. you have been on my mind though. a lot actually. a lot a lot. i just haven't found the time to show you which is disgustingly shitty.

basically, i don't even see my mom anymore and i live with her. i don't see my boyfriend for more than 20 minutes before i fall asleep because i'm that busy. and i only see my girlfriends in aa when we're at meetings together by chance. meanwhile, i have a good sponsor who only lets me work on me. i understand where you're coming from and how you feel and i'm sorry and i wish i coudl take time to see you or even call you but i know i can't afford to see anyone or call anyone right now because my life is that hectic. i love you and i can't change the way you feel but i wanted you to know how i've felt about this, because i';ve been very aware of it for a while now. personal amends are steps and steps away fromw here i'm at.. (see: 12 steps of alcoholics anonymous). and i'm still on step 1 and it's almost 3 months clean.

i know through the flake that you'll always be my friend and i'll alwayts be here for you. i couldn't even go to my best guy friend's college graduation before he moved to china ebcause i couldn't make the time. and that was really really important to me. but i know he'll always be there and we'll always be friends and he knows too, that i'll always be here for him.

love always
me

to start off our fourth month we cuddled and ate gummy savers and watched weeds and fell asleep in his arms and that's all i needed and that's more than i could have asked for

"until I change, my sober date will" - lia

i'm in the never-ending process of finding a new sponsor. no offense whatsoever to my current; i simply do not feel guided, and that's what i need... and i need to hear things that i can't think of, i need no fear of judgment, i need no hesitation, and i need solid, hard-won experience..

and tonight i needed the warmth of his body next to me but instead i found nothing at all

here's my poem:

reminiscent of mario kart koopa troopa beach on n64
i write this poetry in attempt to swing it to the floor.
my lovely boy will be back from his church meeting soon
oh how i wish there was a freshly baked cake in the room!
"hey! nice pick" i belt to the highs
above! look! yonder! soemthing to the sklies.
a bird a ball a bat a plane
yes i do think myself insane.
this second song works better than the first
"mmm" for milk my watering oral cavity thirsts.
shower i finally did earlier this day
my camp counselor's name was michael o'tay...

omh henry yours are adorable btw and lizzie!!! yes yours just came through =) see comment below

you guys did such a good job on your show ! i mean really because i've witnessed others' shows and they're not as involving and smooth and...good, so do it again ebfore you come home lizzie because i love it and not just because it's you and you's mah btch!

new agenda! last week i went to six flags and went on almost every coaster there which was lovely but that's all it was - lovely. so basically i need new thrills and i've wanted to for a while now BUT since lack of excitement of roller coasters just sealed the deal.. i've been lookin around and sky diving is my next ball dropper so i have to ask..

DOES ANYONE KNOW OF ANYONE WHO GOES SKYDIVING

because i need a recommendation for a place to go and i wanna talk to someone about it before i do it!

ahhh i took my first ballet class in about four? three? years today!!!!

AAAAND i did it like i should:
- the pliés (warm-up barre exercise) were the most difficult combination,
- i had broken a full-body sweat by the second barre exercise,
- i executed precision, concentration, muscle movement, and exercises' accuracy over impressive technique,
- i felt like i was going to vomit afterward (actually a sign of excruciating hard work ...also the expected norm in the ballet world)
AAAAAND MOST IMPORTANTLY:
- i left the class knowing it was (as always) the best class i had ever taken not because of the challenging combinations, but because i worked the hardest i have worked in my life...and the next class, of course, will follow in that same light =)

shit i needed this !!

Stop steering and start driving. This ain't no dead piece of metal. A car's a living, breathing thing, and she's alive. Feel it talking to you. Telling you what she wants, what she needs. All you gotta do is listen. Close your eyes and listen.

You don't climb into a 997 to be a driver. You do it because you're driven.

PREDICTABLE PLOT DOES NOT EQUAL ONE-TRACK-MIND, SIMPLE,

SPEED RACER is THE most intelligent, beautifully crafted, beautifully conceived, perfectly written, pristinely executed, costume set use of technology....AHHHH. EVERYTHINGEVERYTHINGEVERYTHING

crystal ahahjdsghf stop. breathe. think. speak.
okay, back track:

it BLEW ME OUT OF THE WATER LIKE NO FILM, HISTORICAL ANALYSIS, ANECDOTE, MYTH, FABLE, NOVEL, THEME, METAPHOR EVERYYYTHING ..HAS YET DONE FOR ME IN MY LIFE.

as for my senior year colloquium at gallatin (nyu)? well it could be based upon sole analytical SPECULATION of this film, let alone others' input and analysis. oh, and, by the way: two and a half hours of said speculation would only cover the first half hour of the film.

layers
upon layers
upon layers
upon twists
upon allusions DIRECTLY to all of the following: ( i can only ATTEMPT to categorise a few concepts, let alone specific references)
- novels
- films
- mythology
- art history
- the progression of our society
- themes, from the classic "good vs evil" to the seven deadly sins, modern concept of american society, corrup[tion, capitalist economy, dictatorship, manipulalation, MARX'S M-EFFING THEORY ON COMMODITY-FETISHISM AND SOCIETY, and how that Marx theory pertains to our country, and by extension our world, and by further extension , just to name a few examples

basically, yes it's rated PG, but.. aren't the simplest stories told the most profound? fairy tales? japanese anime? mythology? religious works? fables?

YEAH THIS ONE EXPONENTIALLY EXCEEDED THAT EXPECTATION


....and this all most likely happened, i kid you not, in a mere TWENTY MINUTES of the film, let alone its two-hour running time

it wasn't even that it was a phenomenal film in both aesthetics and CONSISTENT ENTERTAINMENT like i have NEVER been captivated before....
it was that it was THE MOST INTELLIGENT WORK I HAVE YET COME IN CONTACT WITH

I wish Ms French ('member her?!" was still around; cause she'd write her OWN dissertation on the film and all its BEYOND successful endeavors .

witty too!!!! THE ENTIRE TIME, not for one second did i want the film to end.




a bible was created and conceived within two solid hours of screentime. i hope everyone else picks up on all this stuff!! it overlaps and some references/themes are short lived, some continue and pop up sporadically throughout the film,
AND I REALLY THOUGHT ABOUT EVERY ONE THAT CAME TO MIND

...and what did my friend say when i asked him how he thought the film was?
"it was a kid's movie with race cars and cool graphics and a predictable plot line"

phenomenal evening spent with this friend, do not get me wrong, but in terms of a intellectual connection, stimulation, and affirmation, i mean.... just someone else pleaseeee come with me next time if AND ONLY IF all of the above intrigues you!!!!! otherwise i'll have that amount of disconnect again with what should have been an exciting night away from a household

baroque pop for me isn't a current fetish, but rather a nostalgic beacon upon my 8th grade - 10th grade existence. serious respect for the genre, don't get me wrong, but aside from that, not really my style save for the fair few with their sentimental value. basically, not a fan of anything released past 2004

but really, props for liking a genre which is fifty per cent based upon my FAVOURITE period for classical music ( as well one of the most lavish, sophisticated, over-the-top intricate, and respected periods throughout all of Art History), and that era is, my friend, The Baroque.